Keep going
Three months into being a full time artist and it feels like I’m going up the rollercoaster again. I was pretty down last month stuck between believing in myself and “this isn’t gonna work out.” But, I’ve shown to be pretty delusional in the past so I’m hoping that trait transfers into positive thoughts of “I am going to make it.” I said it in my last blog but now is really the time I’ve got to motivate and inspire myself.
I first fell in love with performing after I joined the poetry club at Suffolk Community College. My friend heard I wrote poetry and invited me to check out their club. I shared my work with them and shortly after they held an open mic during the school’s common hour. I had just gotten out of a situationship and wrote my poem “After Hours.” I decided to read that poem since it was most recent in my heart but when I stepped to the mic I realized the person it was about was IN THE ROOM! I didn’t care, I still read it and the reaction from the crowd and him was such a rush I fell in love with performing during that moment. I knew my words had power and purpose to convey how I truly feel. I needed to do this again.
I made a goal to keep performing after that night. Since then, I’ve met a lot of people, hosted workshops/events, and collaborated with artists on their projects. I found a place in this community where I belong. After meeting some of my favorite local poets, I was inspired by their drive to bring the power of poetry to as many people as I can. They still inspire me to this day and I’m grateful to be surrounded by incredibly talented people.
But sometimes…if I’m being honest, it can be tough to watch others shine in the light if depression is darkening yours. I’ve struggled to stop comparing myself to others. I’m trying to be content with who I am and everything I have which is why gratitude has been big in my self-care practice. I’m learning that everything that’s meant for me will not miss me and comes when it needs to. I am learning to ‘trust the process.’
This journey is long and makes me feel like Donkey in Shrek on their way to far far away land; “Are we there yet? How much longer?” I’m learning patience and finding ways to be gentle with myself because this ride is NOT easy, which is why I’ve been working on something that will help me and I think other poets too. It’s time we confidently accept the gift given in our hearts.
I ran into old friends and people I haven’t spoken to in a while and they made it a point to go out of their way and feed positivity into me. I’m reminded of how far I’ve come. One of the friends I ran into was present at the cafeteria table when I was first invited to that poetry club. Everything’s been going full circle right now and tears have been the only way I can express myself. I’m reminded of everything I’ve accomplished since then: publishing a book, performing with Planned Parenthood, creating art, directing poetry visuals and the list can go on. On a regular day to day…I’m not thinking about none of that shit! I’m too concerned about the future and what else I can be doing to improve.
But of course, here comes the universe reminding me I am THAT bitch. And YOU ARE TOO! Stand on it. Write your affirmations down and stick them by the door, scribble on your mirrors, pray, play your favorite songs/movies, whatever it is, just do what makes you happy and feel positive. Write down all of your accomplishments or create a poster board/scrapbook of them(my new project idea) to visualize everything you’ve done. Remind yourself of how far you’ve come, tell yourself how proud you are of the progress, time and dedication it took you to get here. If you haven’t heard it lately…you’re doing a good job. Keep going.
