The Truth About Betting On Yourself

I’m gonna be honest. This full time artist thing is great. The freedom I have to do whatever I want gives me time to focus on so many projects I had on the back burner. I’m in full creative mode and I love it.

It's time to start betting on yourself. 

The first month went smooth. I’m on a high with the adrenaline of chasing after my dreams. I went to an open mic every day for a week which I couldn’t have done if I was working a traditional 9-5. I even booked another impromptu trip, this time to Las Vegas where I performed at two different open mics and met some pretty cool people. I brought my laptop and did some writing while I was out there. I came up with more ideas and I’m ready to keep pushing forward. I’m excited to see where my journey takes me next.

At least, that’s what I’m trying to portray. Truthfully, I’ve never been more scared in my life. I prayed the whole way to Vegas and back. I haven’t stopped praying since I got fired. I’m looking for guidance everywhere I go because I have no idea what I’m doing. But God lets me know I’m doing alright and heading towards his plans.

I stopped going to therapy this year and I’ve been too busy to focus on myself so I thought I was doing fine. After being fired, I lost a sense of purpose, I find purpose in poetry but helping people is really my passion; whether it’s through writing or social work. I loved my clients and I’m upset we didn’t part on my terms. It feels like I abandoned them. That guilt along with the stressors of finding consistent income, being productive with my time, writing and creating is enough to leave me paralyzed in bed.

The idea of being a full time artist is glamorous and there’s nothing I wanted more…nothing I still want more, but I’d be lying if I said this shit isn’t hard. It’s time to start believing in myself. Not fake it til I make it; I have to believe it, I have to  be it. Depression has taken control of a few thoughts and lately I’ve been wrestling myself to get things done. The simplest tasks have increased in difficulty and I feel myself spiraling.

So what does a poet do when they are feeling down? They write. Right! I wrote a new poem titled “Depression’s Calling” which I’ll be performing at my Oct 5th show at The Delancey. The poem basically talks about the internal battle you have when fighting your depressive thoughts.  Kinda where I am currently.

Don't get me wrong, the freedom I have now is beautiful. I see Quincy all the time and I’ve been working on more projects.

I’m learning how to play the guitar, learn Italian and cook (don’t judge me). But with an active imaginative brain like mine I jump from one thing to the other. It’s hard for me to stay on track and finish what I start. So another thing I’m learning how to do is organize myself better. This is literally a job. I have to start treating it as such and give the same amount of effort I gave while working in an office. I’m scheduling my days with time blocks for specific things to keep track of my work. This helps me evaluate what I’ve done for the week and the type of reward I earned.

For me, taking a bath is the most relaxing thing I could ever do. Since moving out of my parents house almost a year ago, I’ve only been able to take showers and haven’t had a tub to soak in. And again, I’ve been too busy to remember how relaxed that made me feel. I’ll now be rewarding myself with trips back to my parents house after putting in some hours worth of work. After working two weeks at a job you’d get a check (reward), so I’m finding what rewards work for me to keep me motivated on this journey.

I’m trying to take my own advice. I’ve forgotten to check in with myself and it feels like life slowed me down because I wouldn’t. But I’m listening. I need to go back to the things that brought me joy and helped me relax. Writing works, but there’s nothing like doing something that frees you from your own thoughts; something that brings you nothing but peace.