The time is now

AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

Sorry. I needed to let that out because I have been overwhelmed. I woke up with anxiety over how many days I have left until my unemployment runs out. In case you didn’t know…this entire “full time artist” journey has been sponsored by the government since I GOT FIRED back in July! I didn’t choose to quit my job and pursue this full time, I wish it was my decision, but God had other plans and shifted an unfortunate situation into something within my control. I wasn’t able to control my being fired but I was able to reframe how I viewed and approached the situation.

After I cried (a lot) I knew this was something bigger than me. God has been holding my hand throughout this entire process and now it’s my turn to believe in myself. But if I’m being honest, I AM TERRIFIED. I’ve learned a lot during these past four months being a full time artist but still struggle with my confidence at times. The level of confidence and dedication it takes to chase your dreams is something I want to keep talking about because I have gone back and forth more times than I can count on whether or not I should continue this journey. I’ve had encouragement from people close to me and others doubt my ability but both opinions still live in my head.

When I first started writing I knew I wanted to be an author but as years went by that dream faded came back and now here we are, writing my blog as a full time artist. It feels surreal that I’m here and actually doing this, sometimes I still can’t believe all the things I’ve accomplished.

In these past four months, I released my second poetry visual, a series on mental health and dating, opened an LLC with STMP, recorded my third poetry visual, and am now finishing the last details of my next poetry collection set to release in February 2025. I’ve been busy, yet it still feels like I’m not doing enough. I’m putting pressure on myself to find a sustainable income because let’s face it, everything unfortunately revolves around money. I just hate feeling like I have to sell myself or chase the money in order to be a successful artist. I don’t want to do that, so I’m trying to find ways I can sustain the life I want while merging my passions but that hasn’t been easy.

My relationship with God is what’s held me down this far. I prayed to be in the position I am in now and continue to pray for the things I have and have yet to receive. God is showing me that he is on my side and believes in everything I’m doing so why shouldn’t I? I ask for signs daily and he hasn’t missed a day. I'm listening to my intuition and being guided through my ancestors on this grand adventure. I got really great news a few weeks ago that’s felt too good to be true so I haven’t shared it with many people but it was one of those moments that felt right. I’m supposed to be here. I’m supposed to do this. I’m meant to chase my dreams and I have the support of God and my ancestors.

These next few weeks are going to be dedicated to finding my own strength and confidence within my artistry. My upcoming workbook focuses on overcoming imposter syndrome through writing prompts and weekly challenges so I’m leaning on my journal more these days. It’s gotten pretty chaotic in there but I’m grateful to have a healthy coping skill where I can express myself freely and without judgement.

And please don’t get me wrong, this isn’t a one stop solution for it all. I went back to therapy after not going for almost a year and now I’m reconnecting with this version of myself. Everything takes time so give yourself grace while you learn to fall in love with who you are.

In the past I’ve shared some of my journal entries and most of them were structured in a similar way, you know because OCD, but in my new journal I’m realizing everything doesn’t have to be perfect. Nothing is perfect. But when we change our perspective things around us change naturally. I could’ve stayed stuck in the mindset of “I got fired. What am I going to do? Can I make it as an artist?” but that wasn’t going to get me anywhere.

When I was fired I cried for 15 minutes and then had a long talk with God. The rest is really up to him and the work I’ve put in. I wouldn’t have it any other way but I’m going to need strength and courage more than ever. I have less than 4 weeks left to really make a job for myself as an artist. I am petrified, anxious, and overwhelmed in the most beautiful way. The pressure is on and the time is now.

I need to focus my attention and energy on the things that matter and reconnect with my purpose. My love language is words of affirmation and I’ve been giving that to myself daily, verbally in the mirror and written in my journal. Here are some of the things I’ve been saying:

I believe in myself.

I will be successful.

I am talented.

How do you encourage yourself? Let me know what affirmations you like to use!