Facing & Fighting Fear
“What if they don’t think I’m good?” “What if they don’t like my poetry?” “What if I mess up?” “What if I forget the words?” “Am I too vulnerable?” “Is it too much?” “Does it make sense?”
The stage fright doesn’t really kick in when I’m on stage. These questions race through my mind as soon as I hear “on deck” followed by my name. That’s when my fear is at its peak.
Adrenaline rushes through my body making me unable to focus on the poet performing. My body is stiff and I get antsy in my seat. Fear takes over and for a few minutes it feels like it consumes me.
I’m not sure where it comes from exactly because after each performance I’m complimented on many aspects of my work. I’ve been performing 10 years now and the one comment I always tend to overlook is “I can never imagine getting on stage.”
It takes a lot of courage stepping out of your comfort zone and pushing yourself into unfamiliar situations. Sometimes the fear can be crippling or work in your favor. The fear I get right before I go on stage is helpful because I perform better with that rush of adrenaline. The adrenaline helps me prepare for my set and enunciate while reciting. But, the thoughts still race through my mind after the show. That’s when the fear becomes unhelpful.
Unhelpful fears are ones that still linger after the event passed. Sometimes they cause you to miss opportunities or be fearful of moving forward. For example, this blog post is later than I intended to publish it. Big thanks to my anxiety! The steps I’m taking, or as my therapist likes to say, “the seeds I’m planting,” are pretty frightening, which gives me too much anxiety to sit down and write. That lack of motivation caused by fear is a pain in the ass. It takes dedication and commitment to push through.
Fear is a theme for me this year. There have been so many changes in a short period of time. And who doesn't love a lot of changes? A person with anxiety, that’s who! But, through the thick of it all, it’s not always as scary as we think it out to be. Most times the fear is more ferocious than what’s causing it. I’ve been learning to face my fears in different ways and it’s been liberating relieving those stressors.
I practice bikram yoga and one of the things I learned is the importance of slowing down. I haven’t given myself much time to slow down and reflect on how my fear is being silenced with the completion of my goals.
I think fear is something I’ll always struggle with. Being anxious of everything and nothing all at the same time is exhausting. I try my best to manage my stress but with life, I think it’s inevitable. That doesn’t mean I have to succumb to those negative thoughts. I simply learn new ways to handle them or lean on my support system. It’s important to effectively manage your stress in ways that work for you. I’ll share a few things that’s helped me along the way.
1. As I mentioned, yoga has helped reshape my mindset. I’ve learned how to rework my central nervous system just by taking deep breaths. Whenever I’m confronted with anxiety provoking situations I take a second to slow down and focus on my breath. It’s gotten me through some bad stage fright and emotional moments during a performance. It’s a simple thing we do without consciousness. Take a second to slow down yourself down. Similar to everything else, relaxation and meditation take time to show its true effects. Give it a try and take note of the differences.
2. Journaling! Now you know I love me some journaling. I started journaling for the first time since I was a kid in 2019 and it has made such a difference in my life. Literally, in every category, I feel as if a huge shift has taken place. I understand myself better, and that makes it easy to handle when I’m dealing with intense emotions.
3. The magic of therapy is incredible. Having a good therapist, or trusted family/friend can make all the difference when dealing with fear. I’ve been seeing my therapist for the past 4 years now. The transformations and emotions she’s talked me through has helped me get during some of my darkest moments. I let it all out in that hour long session. She tells me a lot of the work is done outside the office so that’s where journaling comes back into play. Whenever I can’t express myself to her, I express myself to me in my journal. I trust my emotions and intuition will lead me in the right directions. But it's also comforting knowing I have someone who is rooting for me too.
I’ve heard people say you shouldn’t show your fear. I come from a stage where that is the only thing I have on display. And I think that’s okay too. Showing your vulnerabilities is facing your fears in another way, at least that’s what I think. It takes more courage and humility to admit that you’re afraid or wrong than trying to hide insecurities. When we acknowledge the negative feelings it leaves room for them to pass. I’m not sure what’s to come next, but here I am facing and fighting fear, one day at a time.
How are you facing yours?
